Tales from the Depressed Zone

<BODY BGCOLOR="#EEEEEE"> <H1 ALIGN="CENTER"><I>Tales from the Depressed Zone</I></H1> <H2 ALIGN="CENTER"><I>a personal journey</I></H2> <H2 ALIGN="CENTER"><I></I></H2> <P>For the last few years, I've battled a number of emotional problems, including sexual bulimia, compulsive overeating, major depression, and social phobia.</P> <P>Through that time, I discovered the value of mailing lists and newsgroups as an outlet for my feelings. I have made many warm and supportive friends.</P> <P>Many people have said they related a lot to my writings and what I felt and experienced. At the urging of some, I have collected my postings together on this site, which might be considered a memoir of the past two years of emotional turmoil and slow recovery.</P> <P><B>About the lists</B></P> <P>These postings originally appeared in a number of different places:</P> <UL> <LI>alt.recovery.addiction.sexual, a newsgroup devoted to sexual addiction; <LI><I>Rozanne, </I>(now known as <I>Oasis)</I>, a mailing list for Overeaters Anonymous; <LI><I>S-youth, </I>a support list for young people; <LI><I>Soc-phob, </I>on social phobia; <LI>many private emails I sent out to online friends, in lonely times. </UL> <H2></H2> <H2><B>The Writings</B></H2> <P><B>Intellect</B></P> <P>I am very much an intellectual, as these emails illustrate:</P> <UL> <LI><A HREF="fav.html">And now the details...</A> <LI><A HREF="ambition.html">The Grand Ambition</A> </UL> <P><B>My childhood</B></P> <P>My childhood wasn't a pleasant time, as these posts recollect: <UL> <LI><A HREF="oaeincest.html">Emotional incest</A> <LI><A HREF="mchild.html">Mother's child</A> <LI><A HREF="fchild.html">Father's child</A> <LI><A HREF="mblackmail.html">Mother's blackmail</A> <LI><A HREF="nightmares.html">Nightmares</A> <LI><A HREF="pschool.html">A Boy's Journey Through Despair</A> <LI><A HREF="nebfly.html">History</A> </UL> <P> <P><B>Religion</B></P> <P>My religious background wasn't all that favourable:</P> <UL> <LI><A HREF="religion.html">Religion and Thought Control</A> </UL> <P><B>Depression</B></P> <P>I began to experience major clinical depression in December, 1995 (I was then 21.5 years old). The depression was very severe and lasted until November, 1996, when I started using Prozac.</P> <P>One of the worst parts of the depression was how it affected my job, as these posts describe:</P> <UL> <LI><A HREF="crushing.html">Crushing despair</A> <LI><A HREF="fearwound.html">Fear stalks the wounded mind</A> <LI><A HREF="ceyes.html">Closing eyes</A> </UL> <P>The depression in general was bad: <UL> <LI><A HREF="halt.html">Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired</A> <li><a href="lifehell.html">Life is hell</a> <LI><a href="binge.html">Anatomy of a Binge</a> <LI><A HREF="eight.html">Eight days abstinent and it is hell</A> <LI><A HREF="knife.html">The knife twisting inside</A> </UL> <P>A very frightening time during the depression came when I was suicidal, and turned myself into the hospital to avoid dying. I wrote a lot about the first such experience: <UL> <LI><A HREF="lion.html">Into the Lion's Den</A> <LI><A HREF="alive.html">Still alive</A> <LI><A HREF="glass.html">Through a Glass, Darkly</A> </UL> <P>Nor is it entirely gone. I still get relapses:</P> <UL> <LI><A HREF="aprchi.html">April</A> <LI><A HREF="spdepress.html">Social-phobic Depression</A> <LI><A HREF="bitter.html">Bitterness</A> </UL> <P><B>Overeating</B></P> <P>I've long had a problem with compulsive overeating, as outlined here: <UL> <LI><A HREF="oaintro.html">Overeating</A> <LI><A HREF="robot.html">Robotics</A> <LI><A HREF="dayinlife.html">A Day in the Life of a Compulsive Overeater</A> <LI><A HREF="failed.html">Failed month</A> <LI><A HREF="fatlane.html">Life in the Fat Lane</A> </UL> <P><B>Social Phobia</B></P> <P>Another major problem I have is social phobia, persistent fear of drawing close to people:</P> <UL> <LI><A HREF="eunuch.html">Eunuch in a Harem</A> <LI><A HREF="stranger.html">Stranger in a Strange Land</A> <LI><A HREF="weekend.html">Weekend coming</A> <LI><A HREF="mindless.html">Mindless fear</A> </UL> <P><B>Dating problems</B></P> <P>My love life has always been virtually nonexistent, and I ended up turning to sources of "relief" most would deem abnormal or unethical:</P> <UL> <LI><A HREF="fearlove.html">Fear and love</A> <LI><A HREF="girlfriend.html">On finding a girlfriend, and other impossibilities</A> <LI><A HREF="justfriends.html">Just Friends</A> <LI><A HREF="why.html">Why?</A> <LI><A HREF="marpros.html">Desperation</A> </UL> <P><b>Sexuality</b></p> <p> This will have some links soon, promise. Check back... <P><B>Self-hatred</B></P> <UL> <LI><A HREF="hate.html">Why I hate myself</A> </UL> <P><B>The Twelve Steps</B></P> <P>For me, leaving the Twelve Steps was an act of personal liberation. These letters outline the long road I took to that decision:</P> <UL> <LI><A HREF="step8.html">Step 8</A> <LI><A HREF="vengeance.html">Vengeance is mine, I will repay</A> <LI><A HREF="dilemma.html">Ethical dilemma</A> <LI><A HREF="abandon12.html">Why I may abandon the Twelve Steps</A> <LI><A HREF="oaleave.html">Leaving OA</A> </UL> <P></P> <P><I>Please </I> <SCRIPT LANGUAGE='JavaScript'>  </SCRIPT> me if you have any comments or feedback. This site will get major renovations soon.</I> <P> <a href="/cgi-bin/geoplus_apps/ans_entry">Sign Guestbook</a> <p> <a href="addbook.html">View Guestbook</a> <script type="text/javascript"> var gaJsHost = (("https:" == document.location.protocol) ? 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