Greetings all,

I confess I really don't feel all that much like writing, but there are still some worried about my survival. So I will let them know I am still alive. Yesterday I obtained yet another prescription (Paxil - this is after both Surmontil and Luvox failed me) and delays at the drugstore made me 75 minutes late for yesterday's OA meeting. I was the last person to share and the people there were indescribably supportive. However, none were able to sponsor me, so I am still sponsorless.

There is only one meeting Friday night, and it is inaccessible to me. This Saturday I am attending a friend's wedding, in fact I have promised to serve as an usher. The hitch is that my mother and father will be present. I could have refused earlier to attend the wedding for that reason, but decided I could not cow and run from them forever.

My suicidal feelings have receded a little, thanks largely to the life-saving support I have received from the dear souls on this loop, but merely seeing my parents again may trigger them again. I could simply not attend the wedding, but why insult my friend? and why should I allow my life to be dictated, even indirectly, by my parents?

Nor do I want my parents to know that I have been depressed and suicidal. My father believes depression is a soft form of insanity, and he would take the fact that I am on medication as proof of my "sickness" and thus he would consider himself blameless for anything I feel. Both parents would claim that I am depressed because I left home, and had I stayed with them I might not feel this way.

I have cut off contact with both, but they are obviously unhappy with this. In fact I received a card from my mother, calling me an "angel" and asking me to resume contact, because she needs me, she says. Where was she when I needed her? My parents seldom comforted me when I was young, I was the one who had to comfort them most of the time. Now they say they are apologetic? Ha, bloody, ha.

Another unrelated issue: just yesterday, for the first time, the idea struck me that perhaps Paxil was not enough, maybe I needed something stronger, like...cocaine, or heroin. For some insane reason this is making me grin. Of course, one advantage of social phobia is that I haven't got the slightest idea how to obtain hard drugs. However, alcohol may be easily and legally bought. I have avoided alcohol for my entire life and have never been drunk (this is incredible for a North American youth today) but the idea is beginning to take on a life of its own. On second thought, I think I had better find an open AA meeting tonight. Intellectually I know alcoholism is no joke, and I hardly need a third addiction on top of all my other problems, yet the idea makes me cackle like a hyena.

I shall say no more on that subject, as it is beyond the scope of this list. Except to say that I may end up turning to food to stem the craving for alcohol. This is weird. I have had only one drink in the past three months.

So hopefully I will survive the weekend.

Oasis, Aug. 23, 1996.