7:00 am - Alarm clock rings, and blissful dreams are interrupted. Body feels absolutely exhausted. It takes about 20 minutes to get out of bed.

7:45 am - Standard breakfast - cold cereal and milk with sugar substitute. Still hungry after bowl 1 but never able to eat a second bowl. Usually have no time to pack a lunch; hadn't felt like making it the night before, and the night before that, etc., etc.

8:30 am - Arrive on campus, tired and unwilling to face another day. Classes are over but thesis must be completed. Work sporadically through the day.

10:00 am - Feeling in need of a comforter, get a cookie at the donut shop.

11:30 am - Quite hungry. Thinking about going to the salad bar; then something snaps. In a fit of anger directed at no one, head down to McDonald's for a typically fat McMeal. Feel stuffed afterward. Notice how tight my belt is.

11:45 am - while eating, remember that I haven't called my sponsor, from the other fellowship. I'll call him when I get back to campus, I say to myself.

12:30 pm - Despite having eaten shortly before, buy another donut. Feel bloated and disgusting, but wolf down the donut. Forget (again) to call sponsor.

Have exchanged small talk with other students, but otherwise have had little contact with the human race all morning.

1:30 pm - Meeting with therapist. Discuss depression-induced procrastination.

2:30 pm - Meeting with thesis supervisor - develop more controlled work plan. Supervisor advises me that depression may be too intense to complete the thesis; I respond that dropping it would worsen my emotional state. I feel like another cookie afterward.

4:00 pm - Am tempted to act out in other addiction, but am able to resist. To celebrate, head to an all-you-can-eat buffet. Eat all I can, and more.

5:00 pm- Visit a bookstore, a favourite pastime of mine, in a newfangled effort to "treat myself". See a pizza stand but forbear. See couples and families in the mall together and wonder what such a life might be like.

7:00 pm - Go to OA meeting. Talk somewhat about these problems but in a diffident, almost terrified voice. Others are sympathetic, but after the meeting I still feel hungry.

8:30 pm - See a box of cookies on the kitchen table. Try to turn away, remembering all that was said at the meeting, then snap again. Fit of silent anger, again with no particular target; eat the box.

9:00 pm - Head online, read mail, surf web, thinking I should be doing someting more productive but not doing it. Some comfort obtained from recovery-related email.

11:30 pm - After finishing off with one last piece of chocolate, go to bed, wishing passionately there were someone beside me, someone to hold on to. Fall asleep almost at once, hoping never to have to leave bed, but knowing another morning is not far off.

Maybe later I will be able to write more optimistic posts. Right now this is the best I can do.

Oasis, June 5, 1996.