Here I am, in another escalation.

Whilst in the middle of an episode recently, the idea struck me to go on the Internet using a faked female persona, and pretend to be a lap dancer, the kind of woman my addiction fantasizes about (cyber-crossdressing, you might call it). The practice has now taken on a life of its own.

It is different from the other parts of my addiction; I get only mildly aroused and do not masturbate, in fact often find it tiresome, but it has a compelling compulsion. In the past two days I have spent over eight hours doing it. It is not a particula rly enjoyable process, but for my addictive persona it is a faked necessity.

I called another person in SLAA about it (that's a first actually, but read on); he told me just to try to make it through one hour when the urge struck me. I did - and then proceeded to spend two hours cyber-crossdressing! The sheer force of the urge f rightens me - it is a 'recent extension' to my addiction, and although not as expensive as my other acts it eats up both time and access to my telephone. Nor has the urge to visit real strip clubs gone away; it is at bay now but could break out again at any time.

I do not wish to get rid of the Net from my computer, as I need it for academic use, contact with friends, and this newsgroup. I tried deleting the offending software but just downloaded it again from the Web.

I do not know what is happening to me. Just as soon as I started going to meetings and thought I was making a little progress this happens. This is the first major escalation in my addiction in three years, and I am frightened. Will I ever get out of t his, or am I doomed to replacing one form of addiction with another forever?

ARAS, May 23, 1996.